“Why did you start blogging? That too in 2003/4, when no one even knew what a blog was?”
“I can no longer be absolutely certain why I started blogging but it seems it was because I found other blogs and bloggers from all over the world and they all seemed to be sharing useful information. Things I could learn from. And I had things to share that I thought might be useful too. But I wasn’t being able to share these anywhere and with anyone. Hence, I too, had to blog.”
Somewhere along the way, in my quest to be useful, I’ve forgotten how to have fun. I’ve forgotten play. Overall, once again, it feels like I don’t know why I’m doing the things I do anymore.
Everything I do, photography, drawing ( digital or analog ), writing, speaking, etc., were all born from wanting to explore, experiment, enjoy, have fun. There was something I needed to say, and I needed a platform for it to reach more people – a quest to find a tribe, perhaps. So, I taught myself blogging / coding / website designing.
I signed up to every platform that I came across. Ryze. OpenBC. LinkedIn. Yahoo Groups. MySpace. Orkut. Twitter. Periscope. Facebook. YouTube. Pinterest. Instagram. Vero. Ello. Podcasts. TikTok.
I’ve only just realized it but I seem to be, now, operating from a point of view of the platform. Not from the point of view of exploration and fun. “What works on X platform?” Instead of “What am I going to make today?” I am aware of this. Yet, I find myself firmly in the clutches of this thought process. Each time I try to break away from platform-dependence and create something just for the sake of creating it, it is followed by, “But I should also create content around this so that I can share it across all the platforms.”
What is “Creating content”?
That’s like “Living life”. I breathe. Therefore, I am. I live.
I live. Therefore, there is content. It is called “my life”.
I don’t capture everything. Not because I cannot but because I don’t want to. What would be the point? There’s no need for reality TV, we have real life to kick us in the teeth, readily available, for free. Reality TV needs to be fictionalized to retain our interest. Why?
Sometimes, I feel like a zombie. Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. I’m looking for something. I’m looking to create meaning. I’m looking FOR meaning. And the more I scroll, the more it seems like I’m never going to find it. I’m looking for ways to be useful to others. But I’ve forgotten how to enjoy myself. I’ve forgotten the joy of personal projects. The delight of creating, for the sake of it.
Not for the Likes. Not for the external validation. Not for the Follower numbers.
Having had these thoughts for a while, I’ve managed to write about them for the first time – and I know it’s not a good piece of writing. But I had to get it out. For what? For myself.
The quest has not changed. I would still like to be useful. But I would also like to balance that with joy. I want to find a way to not tie my self-worth to my productivity.
